The Real Reason Voldemort wants Hogwarts
by Flounder En Flucter
Summary: Voldemort was always searching for something, something he could only find at Hogwarts. Crack Fic, rating for senseless violence and teenage fantasies. Not Slash


Why Voldemort wants to capture Hogwarts

"I have heard the rest of the prophesy now Potter. A power I know not? What do you think it is?" Lord Voldemort asked.

Harry Potter was sprawled across the floor of Voldemort's throne room. "Dumbledore seems to think it's love." He gritted out.

"Love? Love is the power I know not?" Voldemort threw his head back and laughed. Instead of his cold mirthless laugh, it was full of life, not full of mocking like he normally sounded. "I know love. Everyone does. That's the reason I seek Hogwarts. The one place on the planet I love, and." The rest was mumbled.

Harry was shocked, Tom Riddle felt the same way he did about his home? Were they both part of some sort of twisted real life version of the Lost Boys from Neverland? Wait, what was that last part? He decided that his usual brashness wasn't going to be of any help to him now. "I'm sorry I didn't catch what you said after you said that Hogwarts was the one place that you loved."

Voldemort looked down at the boy. Potter looked like a bastard clone of himself. Sure if he had been starved and had that horrible hair instead of the great hair that women just loved to run their fingers through, pictures of this boy could be placed next to pictures of him while he was in school and the only way you'd be able to tell the difference is the house crest on the robes.

"I said and the crumbly caramel bars." Voldemort admitted.

Voldemort wanted to conquer Hogwarts for the dessert? Harry had to admit that they were pretty freaking awesome. They were even better than the treacle tart, but they went so much faster so everyone just thought his favorite was the tart.

"Oooh, those are good. They never make enough though. And they're gone so fast that you never get more than one. I once had a dream about a pack of Veela feeding me those." Harry blurted before he could stop himself. Why had he told his arch nemesis about his lust and hunger fueled dream? At least that was better than the one where he was licking treacle pudding off of the Patil sisters, not that it was a bad dream it's just every time he had it, he was interupted by a vision from Voldemort. And let's face it, he'd take a dream about the naked body covered with acne of Eloise Midgen over a vision about Voldemort.

Voldemort was laughing again. So was every Death Eater that surrounded him. Suddenly from the crowd a voice sounded, "Potter, you might not be so bad after all. I think that was one of the requirements to join up. I'm pretty sure every wizard, and most of the witches we have, have had that dream."

"That is what our campaign has really been about. We've been trying to get the recipe for those for years. But Dumbledore, "He spat the name, "refuses to share the recipe. We even got Severus a job at the school so he could steal the recipe but he hasn't been able to get it so far, which is why he has the highest tally of crucios performed on him." He gestured to a white board that had names of Death Eaters and tallies of how many times they had the torture curse performed on them. It seemed that Snape was just behind Wormtail for the lead. "Frankly I'm losing hope that he ever will. So we have tried to find the recipe everywhere, when we go on raids, at least half of what we bring back are personal recipes to try and see if they measure up. But none are even close!"

Harry was flabbergasted. All of this over those crumbly caramel bars? He started to drool just thinking about them. Then he thought of it, he had made something almost exactly the same at the Dursleys for snacks at one of Dudley's birthday parties.

"I think I know of somewhere we can get the recipe. But I have a couple conditions first." Harry spoke confidently.

Voldemort, "Oh, you think you do? And pray tell what are these conditions?"

Harry, "Well my aunt keeps all of the recipes for that type of thing at her house. I'm sure I've made them before. But if we get the recipe for them, I get at least two bars myself. That's non-negotiable. Second, if this is what you're really after I want the war to end."

Voldemort, "And of your aunt?"

Harry, "Eh, if you have to kill her make it quick. Oh and lastly we'll have to go grocery shopping to get the ingredients. We're going to need a lot of milk once we get the recipe right."

Voldemort, "Very well Potter. If this is the right recipe, we shall abide by your terms. If not, your death will be anything but painless."

A few hours later Harry was an orphan, yet again, but he had an entire pan of the crumbly caramel bars to console him. He was sitting at the kitchen table of number 4 Privet Drive eating his crumbly caramel bars with a large glass of milk when Albus Dumbledore came through the front door. Dumbledore instantly paled when every wand in the house was trained on him, even Harry's.

"You'll never get the caramel bars from us again!" Bellatrix laughed in her baby voice.

Dumbledore, "Harry, you don't know what you've done!"

Harry savoring another bite, "Oh yes I do. I made a pan of crumbly caramel bars for every Death Eater and Lord Voldemort himself, now they agreed the war is over. Apparently the power that he knew not was where the recipe was and the talent to make it."

Voldemort, "I agree. You have vastly superior cooking skills."

Dumbledore, "Well I suppose that's for the Greater Good." He conjured himself a chair and sat down and attempted to grab one of the caramel bars when he was his by a killing curse.

"These bars are part of the Greater Good. They're worth dying for, worth killing for, worth going to hell for, worth spending thirteen years less than a ghost for." Voldemort said.

Harry, "Have you been reading Frank Miller's Sin City?"

Voldemort, "What you think I only got pleasure from caramel bars and torturing people?"


End file.
